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A Sermon by Cynthia Bauleke
A Sermon by Cynthia Bauleke
Overcoming
Violence
Psalm 23
- Easter Four - May 2, 2004
“A husband may
beat his wife provided the rod is no thicker than his thumb,” states English
common law. “Scold your wife
sharply, bully and terrify her . . . then readily beat her . . .” state the
Rules of Marriage from the 15th Century. Reformation
theologian John Calvin in a letter to a battered wife in 1553: “[W]e . . .
exhort wives to bear with patience the cross which God has seen fit to place
upon them; and meanwhile not to deviate from the duty which she has before God
to please her husband, but to be faithful whatever happens.” “One day, Alice .
. . POW! Right in the kisser!” Ralph Cramden on television’s “The Honeymooner’s”
in the 1950's - regularly threatened his wife Alice, accompanied by a laugh
track. We have learned to
accept domestic violence as a norm. Television, music, literature, the movies –
as well as the legal system and too often the church – frequently reinforce one
person’s right to use force over their partner. We have learned it is family
business, turning away, and never spoken of by those who live with the abuse.
though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death . . . - Every 15 seconds, a woman is
battered. - Two to four million women
are abused each year, 4,000 of them die. - 31% of American women report
being physically or sexually abused by a husband or boyfriend at some time in
their lives. Domestic Violence
is a problem of epidemic proportions. We know it exists, we like to think it
happens somewhere else, anywhere else but here. Last week, just down the road in
Arlington, Mitchell Varnell was sentenced to prison for attempting to murder his
estranged wife. Last week, the Marysville police shot Cory Edmond when he
threatened to kill his girlfriend’s baby. Last month, in Spokane, Richard
Atkinson ran over his estranged wife in his car not once, but again and again,
as their children watched. Last month in Whatcom County, in our back yard,
Francis Brunner was charged with killing his estranged wife’s date. Where we live, in
Whatcom County, law enforcement agencies report dealing with 1,500 domestic
violence offenses a year – which averages out to four a day, every day – and
these are just the incidents reported. Our local Women Care Shelter and Domestic
Violence and Sexual Assault Services work with approximately 4,000 women who are
victims and survivors of domestic violence in a single year.
though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death . . . Domestic violence
is abuse which occurs within intimate relationships. The partners might be
married or unmarried. Statistics show that is 85% more likely the abuser will be
male and the victim female, yet abuse does happen to men as well. Domestic
violence occurs in heterosexual as well as same-gender couples. Domestic violence
is a pattern of control and behavior exercised by one person over another. The
abuse may be physical, sexual, verbal, or emotional. Abuse can be the continual
use of demeaning words like “you’re stupid,” or ugly, or crazy, usually far
worse. It can be total control over bank accounts and finances. It can be
threats to injure children or pets. It can be monitoring and limiting
friendships, going out, talking on the phone. Domestic violence is not about
having a bad temper or being out of control. It is about misuse of power and
control – one person exerting power and control over an intimate partner.
Domestic violence impacts the entire family, injuring the children who witness
abuse by hearing it or seeing it. Domestic violence
happens in all religions, races, ages, crossing all social, economic, and
educational spectrums. Statistics tell us here, in this congregation, are people
who live with this kind of violence. It is all around us, hidden by a veil of
silence. Our silence has not yet saved us. We are still hurting. Our silence
will not help us now. But with awareness and with courage we can help save lives
and bring about justice and healing.
though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death . . . Domestic violence
is difficult to understand, especially for those who have never experienced it.
We want to think the best of others, it is difficult for us to believe that
someone we know would physically, emotionally, verbally, or sexually abuse the
person with whom they are intimate. It is difficult to understand why any one
who is abused would stay. This is the question I hear most often: Why does she
stay? She stays for many reasons. She stays for the children. She stays because
he doesn’t abuse her all the time, and she loves him. She stays because she is
economically dependent. She stays because in seeking help from family and
friends and far too often from churches, she is encouraged to stay, to be a
better wife, and make it work. She stays because she doesn’t see any other
option. She stays because she has no where to go. She stays because she believes
it is her fault that he beats her, and maybe, just maybe, she can get it right
and things will be better. She stays because she doesn’t consider herself to be
a battered woman. She stays because she is afraid to leave, knowing the abuser
will do everything in his power to get her back. Of the women who are killed
because of domestic violence, 75% are killed when they leave their partners. She
stays because she is terrified.
though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death . . . Recently a
domestic violence survivor told her story at the Domestic Violence and Sexual
Assault Services celebration dinner. She told how she didn’t realize she was
abused, how she failed to see the insidious pattern of control her partner was
exerting on her life - she thought it was normal. This rings true from the
stories I heard when I worked with a support group for victims of domestic
violence, over and over again, they told of not recognizing the abuse, of
believing it was normal - because he told her so. This particular
woman’s mother didn’t think it was normal. She was concerned and began to record
the messages her daughter left on her answering machine. When her mother played
them for her, over and over again she heard her self say, “I only have a few
minutes to talk” because her partner was monitoring her phone calls - a form of
emotional abuse. It was a wake up call and eventually she left him. She got her
self back and now she leaves messages on her mother’s answering machine saying,
“I only have a few minutes to talk - I have my whole life to live.” In finding
her self again, this woman experiences new life. Last week Susan
spoke to the Bellingham Whatcom County Commission Against Domestic Violence.
Susan is a survivor of domestic violence. She is an attractive, articulate,
educated woman of a middle class family. For Susan these were barriers to
leaving her abusive husband, a prominent man in the community. He told her,
“everyone has problems, no one will believe you.” And she believed him. Her
number one barrier was that she didn’t see herself as abused, he didn’t hit her
and she didn’t know that it was against the law for him to block her from
leaving the house, or to throw her out of the car. It took Susan some time to
realize his continual demeaning language, his tracking every move she made,
every phone call, was abusive behavior. She found herself stuck in a grayness
where she doubted her own judgement, she couldn’t make a decision, and she
didn’t want to do anything which might trigger his temper. Besides, she knew
people like her don’t call the police. It wasn’t until she heard her husband’s
abusive words coming out of her twelve year-old daughter’s mouth that she knew
something had to change. She began to gather information, she went to a support
group, she made a safety plan, she found a lawyer who would take her case, she
practiced asking for help. For Susan there
were religious convictions which kept her in an abusive marriage. She believed
her marriage vows were sacred, not realizing they had already been broken by the
abuse. Her friends told her as a good Christian woman she should stay with him
and pray for him. She couldn’t find a church to support her in leaving. Too
often the church has been a barrier to healing, allowing the suffering to
continue, perhaps even spiritualizing the suffering, not believing the abused,
sending her home to be a better wife. It took three
years for Susan to leave - she left four times, which is half the average number
of times it takes a domestic violence victim to leave – until she leaves for
good. Susan calls leaving a process. She believes there should be second chances
available for people like her as they work against the barriers to finding new
life.
though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death . . . We gather on
Sunday morning wanting to believe the illusion that all is well within the
church, within our own family, and within our neighbors’ families. We put on our
Sunday clothes, and our Sunday faces, hiding behind them the pain and agony with
which we may be living. Our shame and our pride silence us. Our silence prevents
us from helping one another. The World Council
of Churches has declared this a Decade to Overcome Violence, inviting churches
around the world to declare ending violence as part of their mission. This has
been affirmed by the General Synod of the United Church – of Christ. We are
called to work toward ending violence. The first step is
educating ourselves. Dealing with domestic violence uses different skills from
much of the compassionate work of the church. Take forgiveness, while
forgiveness is important for our spiritual health, forgiving too quickly can be
detrimental for an abused person’s healing. And couple’s counseling is not a
safe option for those who are abused – how can someone be honest with a
counselor in talking about control and abuse without risking their own safety
when they return home? When someone is abused, it is vital she is believed and
that she has someone she can trust with talk to in confidence. Two of
Bellingham’s for-most experts on domestic violence are part of our congregation.
Kathleen Marshall of the Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault Services and
Laurie Powers of LAW Advocates will be available in the narthex today with
literature and answers to your questions. Whether or not your life is impacted
at this time by domestic violence, some day you may have a friend or a relative
come to you for help, please stop by the table in the narthex to learn more
about the services available in our community so that you might help create
spaces of safety, healing, and wholeness. Safety for victims
is the first concern in addressing the problems of domestic violence, yet we
also need to look at those among us who abuse, and not minimize the damage they
cause, no matter how wealthy, or influential, or charming they may be. We must
hold abusers accountable for their behavior. Experience shows us that the only
hope for change comes when the one who abuses admits the problem and engages in
long-term, specialized treatment. We need to end the
silence around domestic violence. We need to talk about it and to say clearly:
violence is wrong, no person has the right to abuse and oppress and control
another. We need to speak the truth in love, to refuse to tolerate demeaning
speech or behavior in our presence. We can continue to
support those agencies in our community who daily work to change lives and
systems. We are incredibly fortunate to have agencies which provide safety for
victims, accountability for those who abuse, and work toward systemic change. I
dream of a day when they are no longer needed, a day when violence is overcome,
a day of healing and reconciliation when all have learned to live together in
peace, a day when every home is a safe place, meanwhile I am grateful to live in
a community which courageously works toward that day. Together we can be
a strong voice for change, a powerful network of prayer for peace, a strong
example of doing justice in our world. I believe we can make a difference, as we
join with churches around the world in working to overcome domestic violence,
along with all forms of violence, finding significant ways to do justice in our
own community, knowing we join with others in this mission. Let us do this
because there is power in unity and because, with God, all things are possible.
Amen. |